Stories of Lives Changed

“Moving Toward a Dream” - Diane’s Story

“I wanna do more . . . I can do dozen steps to let me know that I achieve anything I put my mind to.”

Well my mom wasn’t really there, but she was there, um, my older siblings um kind of cared for me, um, she just wasn’t there. The support I really needed growing up, I had ten siblings, sisters and brothers and I’m the fifth of the ten and she just wasn’t there. My first vision and encounter of seen something real tragic was seeing a baby fall from a seventeen floor window embedded in the ground. That, that right there just, actually today I still see that vision, that’s like it just changed me, my insight of just looking at everything. I was, I was a kid just go, just playing, a tomboy actually, but when I seen that baby fall, that . . .that changed me. At the age of ten it changed me. I seen all these things and when you hear about it, we so used to stuff that we run to it instead of running away from it.

I was um, fifteen with my first child. That was hard. I was in high school at that time and [sigh] I really thought mom would be there cause I really enjoyed school and I remember telling her “I’m gon be a teacher, I’m gon be a teacher” and I thought she would be there to support me, but I had to quit high school because I didn’t have no baby sitter. It was hard. I was a mother quick at the age of fifteen and didn’t know what to do, but by me caring for my other younger siblings I did know what to do to be a mother, but all my teenage years and as a child were gone. I tried to get my GED for thirteen years off and on in Chicago.

I didn’t give up. I was determined to do something with my life, not what I seen all my life. I was determined and what motivated me was me. I say okay -- negative/positive, I gotta do this, I gotta do this. Where’s my support. I have none. Me! I’m my support, my children my support. I gotta do this, and I motivated myself to go to school and do different things and try, at least try. I didn’t give up.

My oldest kids’ father, um he was very abusive. I can remember going to class one day. The next day I had to stay for, to fill out some extra papers, I was late, and he beat me and that’s just one of the beatings. I was pregnant and he beat me. I was coming from my sister’s house and he beat me. It was just numerous times that he had beat me for no reason. Because I’m trying to do something with myself, but I didn’t let that stop me, I still tried. I dealt with the beatings for thirteen years. You know, they said how could you run and it’s not that easy. But I thought the turning point would be when my eleven year old got caught in a gang, well the gang got a hold to him in Chicago. That’s when I said, I can’t do no more. I can’t, eleven years old this enough, and I moved to Wisconsin.

At that time when I moved, before I moved to Wisconsin, I was dating a guy in prison, and he got out in the process of all that I became pregnant, and um, I got pregnant with a spina-bifida baby. Joshua um, [silence] survived two months of his life. [Silence] He had five operations, two back surgeries, a shot; ten-hour brain surgery, a “G” Tube within two months. And the hardest decision I ever made in my life was when I said --

“I can’t take no more, unplug all these machines. Enough is enough.” What am I gon do now? They said, “How could you prepare?” You can’t prepare. Just believe. You gotta over come it because you got other children. Even if you don’t you still got to believe in yourself. You know I had to think about them. They are my life. With out them, I ain’t gonna say I’m nobody, but they my strength, they my go-getta. I know what I need to do I need to do for them. I don’t want to have to grow up and have to be on the system. You know it’s okay; the system is okay for support but don’t get comfortable with it, sometimes you on it by force not by choice. And move on. And when I buried Joshua, I took a map, I said, “I don’t know where I’m goin’, I don’t know what state, I know I’m goin’ South,” and Nashville is where my finger landed and this where I’m at. Sometimes in life we have to, as a woman, single mom, on welfare, trying to make it, it’s hard. I ain’t going to say it was easy. It wasn’t easy, it’s still hard, but you gotta want it. I wanted it. And I feel my life prospering each day I wanted it.

Staying in a shelter on Eighth Avenue. Stayed there for about a month and a half. Took it upon myself to get on a bus, find out where you go to apply for this, and ask questions, and did it. Applied for public housing there, no problem just to do what I had to do for me and my family. Well I think I came at around the time when that Families First um, new law finally went in and I came, when I moved here I was so eager to go back and get my GED I think the YW gon get me for this but, I was really aggressive with them. Like, I wanna start today I don’t wanna wait.

“No you gotta go see the case manager and get processed.” Why I can’t start today? Why I gotta do this? Why I gotta do that? I’m askin’ these why questions and being aggressive and the next day I came walking back down the street asking questions, but I was more passive this time. Listening. I listened, then I got a letter to come here, and I started Fresh Start, and from then on I just enjoyed it. I was there every day. I didn’t miss a day. It was real encouraging for me. I need that and then the support. That’s the key, you gotta have the support.

Everything was in place just perfect. I had no problem. It was real convenient for me to be able to have daycare right up the street from where I lived. It made everything convenient for me. School, internship, and daycare for if anything ever goes wrong by the bus, I don’t have to worry about that I can walk and make sure I get there. I done graduated, went on and got my GED from the YW, worked in a Dollar General intern, and some days I stayed after um, afternoon, some days I just had morning classes, I was like “ya’ll finna leave? Where ya’ll goin’.” I’m still there helpin’ um, volunteering whatever I can do, cause I refuse to go look at four wall, I wanted to keep myself busy. Dealing with recent death of my baby, I just wanted to keep myself busy. I became a VISTA advocate with United Way for a year, almost a year be for the YW had hired me. I was family advocate um, still doing it, motivating women, and empowering them, the same kind of job, and when the YW offered me this position, I took it. But still in my mind, I wanna teach. I wanna be a math teacher.

And I applied um, TSU (Tennessee State University) and I been a student since ninety-eight. Without the support and services like the GED, the childcare, um fresh start, training, whatever component they have, without that support, it’s nothing. I wouldn’t know where to go, and to start. I would have found out later. DHS is providing this information to us. Take advantage. I took advantage of it and it helped me in a way. What else do you have to offer? I want it. You got to use it. Don’t abuse it. You gotta use it. Take advantage of it. Number one is attitude. Women have to stand up for themselves. We are not waiting on others like probably what they always have done, wait on someone else to do for them and they can do it for themselves. Being able to say okay this is what I wanna do today and stick to it and they have the right to say no, no I’m not going; no I don’t wanna be a part of that life. Yes I’m gonna do this. I know they can do it. Just believe. Don’t let nothing stop them. Just keep going. All the barriers we might have five plan A, B, and C. Just keep going. I was five when I told her that. I can see it plain as day when her and her friends were over and you know how it is with the kids and the baby and she said “hey what you wanna be?” and I said “I gon be a teacher, mom I’m gon be a teacher, one day I’m a be a teacher.” And that’s what I remember telling her. I wanna teach. I wanna do more. I can do dozen steps letting me know I can achieve anything I put my mind to. Yeah, yes this is a blessing.